My Mother… Lynda Schultz - The Martyr

You sound like a real good son I know your mama must be proud! :)

My mother had alzheimer's. I had promised my dad before he died that we kids would never put her in a nursing home. Well, after she set her electric chair on fire, my brother wanted to institutionalize her but I fought him. So we got a private nurse and she fell in front of the nurse and broke her shoulder and elbow. I could see that my brother had had it, and, because I lived out of state and he was bearing the brunt of the illness, I agreed and we put her in a home. The last time I saw my mother she didn't even know who I was. I had some of my grandkids with me and she didn't even look at them at first and then thought they were her children.

I guess my point is that Alzheimer's is one of the most difficult illnesses for a family to deal with. It just saps the strength of the main care giver. It's wonderful that your mom wants to keep her in her home. But it will get to be too much for her to handle and you may have to step in knowing that, in time, your grandmother won't know where she is anyway. Parents can be stubborn so the one you will have to watch is your mom. This is one of the most draining diseases I've ever seen.

I was lucky both my parents died of things other than Alzheimer's. Even so, it was hard watching them deteriorate. I wanted them to be the people I'd always known, not the person wasting away. My dad died when I was 48. I felt like a tiny orphan. Silly, yes, but real.

I can't imagine how much harder it would be to deal with Alzheimers. I can empathize with your mom because she's not just coping with what I experienced but seeing her mother's memory die. Our memory defines who we are.

Bless you for being there for her -- even when she's out of sorts. That's grief talking. There is a need to do it all because you know that someday way too soon you won't be able to do anymore to do for them. My dad died in 1993 and I still feel like I should make him a birthday dinner or buy him a card for father's day. Besides, being busy keeps you from thinking too much.

But you didn't mention taking care of you. That's just as important. She's your grandma. I never knew my grandparents. Two of of them lived thousands of miles away, so I only met them once or twice. The other two died before I was born. I'm proud you are there for her and hope you are able to say to her all the things you've always wanted to say. I didn't with my mom, and I've always regretted that. I made sure I did with Dad. It made it easier after he was gone.

They are our heroes. It's good to say it to them out loud. Good for them. Good for us too.

My mom sounds a lot like yours..even if she's Irish! Strong, stubborn, independent with a bit of the martyr.

I've yet to deal with anything that you and yours are facing....Gram's going to be 96 this month and has her full faculties, dad is just fine and mom thinks she's losing it, just haven't had the heart to tell her she's always been forgetful...nothing new there! :)

Hope you think of yourself in all that you are dealing with and my thoughts are with you!

Tough row to hoe, my brother. I was just a kid when my Grandma started slipping and by the time I was a teenager it was pretty bad. Got worse after Grandpa passed. thankfully we had plenty of family nearby to help out. I feel for ya Sapper, I really do.

robertlyn, I'm sorry to hear of your grandmother's condition. Your mom's devotion to her, is a good thing. We all respond to these things, according to our gifts, she's using hers. You tried to use yours. Moms, sheeeeesh. I won't burden you here, since your plate is full, but I have some doozie stories of my own. I am glad mine, and yours, are still around, though. As far as being a helpful pain in the butt, maybe we can start a group, I'm certainly qualified. (:

Ah man Robert I feel for ya bud. Not easy at all; sounds like you are givin' it what ya can though. The thing is they will never get it and that's that. Nuttin mean about it, it's just the way it is. The beauty is in the ride man, not reachin' the destination. Just keep lovin on your family and being thankful, and of course blowin the steam on your buds when ya need to.

I live a thousand miles away from my Mom and Dad. The last time I got into any kind of a row with my Mom was about two years ago over some of the same issues you expressed today. She needs to stop driving and my Dad needs a hearing-aid but neither of them will listen to their children at all. After a heated debate I suggested to Mom that we go sit on the fron porch and torch a fatty-she blew a gasket; she also hasn't argued with me about anything since. I dunno maybe I went overboard but hey...I'm only human.

The thing is we are only human and that has to be good enough 'cause we aren't going to change that anytime soon.

Peace Bro.

:~)

Robert, as a former professional caregiver, you may have to step in and INSIST that your mother take some time for herself. I've cared for Alzheimer patients. It's very draining. I know you guys are doing all you can, but.....geez, the two of you won't be worth squat to your grandmother if y'all get worn out yourselves.

ahhh caring for any invalid is taxing ..you might suggest to your mom that if She becomes an invalid then who is going to look after Grandma? (as good as she does). Taking care to two is not going to be easy. prayers and hugs your way

Hey Brother,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We have recently gone through a similar situation here and I feel for you, you mother, and grandmother. Thanks so very much for sharing this with us.

Hey there! I didn't know you were a 'neighbor' here on the vine!

Alzheimer's is something I wouldn't wish on anyone... I saw my grandmother die of it, and wow.... I will keep you and your whole family in my prayers. Vent all you want here on the vine, we will be happy to help in any way we can!

Lifetraveler has an excellent point, at whatever cost, your mom needs to take some time for herself, as it is crucial for her to do so, even for an hour or two each day. Are there other siblings to help you guys? Hang in there...

Hugs!

E

My mother has Alzheimer's and my father is the care giver. I don't live close to them. My sister and brother do however. My parents are in their early 80s and still live in their home. I get very angry and scared seeing my mom the way she is. It is NOT her anymore. My dad is getting worn out and he listens to our advise but, he just can't do it (them moving to a nursing home where dad can get help with her).

My dad and his brother was abandoned by their mother (she gave them away), after their father died when they were 1 and 2 yoa. A long story short.... my father would never abandon his wife... my mother. I love him for this love but, he is going down in health caring for her. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm emotional and don't know how else to help or deal with my feelings.

Robertlyn... maybe that is how your mother feels. I don't know but, this is the worst thing seeing my mother, who was so strong and viable, not remember anything. She always took pride in cleanliness and she always said "we may not have money but, soap is cheap". What really gets to me, if she knew what she was doing, she would be so humiliated. We were poor then, but she always took pride in her family and worked hard to care for us all. This weighs on me everyday and I have no answers. I so wish I could take the weight off their shoulders.

I so appreciate hearing your story. ((((Robertlyn))))

I don't know if your mother has considered it, but my mother found an intergenerational day program which my grandmother loved while she was still fairly lucid. My grandmother has always been sucker for little kids so it was often hard to get her to leave at the end of the day. They'd do craft projects, play games, and even go on the occasional field trip. It was great because my mom got a break from caregiving and my grandmother got to be mentally engaged and socialized. I really think it has made all the difference, it's been 10 years since she's been diagnosed, but she only had to go into a home 18 months ago. While it makes me sad that she no longer knows who I am, and that she is struggling with basic things like feeding herself, I am glad that she has been able to remain positive while making this transition. She seems happier than those of us who are watching her go through this. She's always singing even though she has forgotten most of the words to the song.

Well, in your mom's case I can see where she's coming from. Taking your grandmother to a rest home or assisted living facility would be seen as a failure. Your grandmother raised and took care of you mother, and now she is simply paying her back for the years of care and love that she got when she was growing up.

There is also another way to look at this situation. When your mother was younger putting someone in a rest home was a way of getting rid of someone, not helping them. She may still feel the same way now.

Happy 4th Rob. We're still thinking of you in the IE.

You're doing the best you can Robert, and that's all anyone can expect. You offered and I'm fairly sure it was appreciated after she cooled down. I'm glad you wrote this and let us be your sounding board. Take care of yourself.

Taking care of any ailing parent, grandparent, etc., is a job in itself. Draining and tiring for both parties.

My mother, unfortunately, survived a MASSIVE stroke about 14 years ago leaving her paralyzed on her right side and without speach. She struggled daily just to get through the daily rituals we all take so easily for granted. Her day to day life was not easy nor was it for my father and my siblings. When you have a mother that is strong and is the heart of the family become the weakest of the links, it takes a lot from you, both mentally and physically.

Those who think they can take care of someone who needs day to day, hour to hour care all on their own (in my opinion) needs to take a stand and make some demands on other members of the family. It is not one persons responsibility to take care of any one person, regardless who of the sick one is.

It's nice to want to do it all, but it is not realistic. Life is too short for all of us!!! Plus, other people are missing out on time with you.

I am lying in my bed as I write this and I will be in this bed for 3 months due to an accident. I don't want my daughter to have to be the only one responsible for my care. It's not fair. I'm glad I have 2 people here that are willing to share the burden....as I will do what I can, as much as I can.